Lockdown three is a nightmare for television viewers. All the good stuff – the stuff you really wanted to watch – was wolfed down in the first two lockdowns, and now chronic indecision has set in. You now spend your evenings scrolling endlessly through streaming menus, from Netflix to Disney+ to iPlayer, desperately looking for something – anything – to fit your mood. Well – fear not. Take this personality quiz and, based on your answers, we will provide you with the perfect series to watch, and some wild cards, too. Grab a pen and paper, and enjoy.
A. Approximately 125 hours
B. Approximately 56 hours
C. Approximately 26 hours
D. Exactly 22 hours and 32 minutes
A. A bit of fun escapism
B. An excuse to laugh
C. An opportunity to demonstrate my intellectualism
D. A chance to witness the relentless cruelty of humanity
A. That we are decent people who usually do the right thing
B. That we are flawed and messy, but often bound by a common cause
C. That we exist to be exploited by larger interests for money
D. That we are meaningless pawns destined to be slaughtered by our indifferent masters
A. Wacky, inspirational, occasionally melancholy
B. Gross, offensive, borderline illegal
C. Sophisticated, luxurious, aloof
D. Dry, gruelling, genuinely horrific
A. Candid and earnest
B. Obnoxious and loud
C. Knowing and superior
D. I don’t understand. What is a ‘laugh’?
A. Trippy imagery and a thumping electronic theme
B. Ironic wholesomeness
C. High-end glamour
D. Just loads and loads of burning human faces, if possible
A. James Corden
B. Josh Groban
C. Monica Bellucci
D. General Hasso von Manteuffel
A. My children
B. My partner
D. The group of ghosts who live in my house
A. “Hate is always foolish, and love is always wise”
B. “I am untethered, and my rage knows no bounds”
C. “Who wants good news in this ocean of misery and drama?”
D. “Down this road on a summer day in 1944, the soldiers came. Nobody lives here now”
A. Happy, uplifted, slightly frustrated about declining quality
B. Happy, dirty, slightly frustrated about declining quality
C. Happy, intelligent, continental
D. Completely, irreparably depressed
Mostly As: Doctor Who
You need something bright and fun to distract you from the relentless drudgery of lockdown, and ideally something family-friendly. This is a perfect opportunity for you to watch all 167 episodes of Doctor Who currently available on iPlayer; every new-Who episode ever made. True, it won’t all be plain sailing, because Doctor Who is lumpy by nature, but what else are you going to do with your time?
Wild cards: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (Netflix) | The Great Pottery Throw Down (All4) | The Vicar of Dibley (iPlayer) | Absolutely Fabulous (Britbox)
Mostly Bs: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
You want comedy, and lots of it, which is why you should watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, 14 seasons of which are on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it, you have missed out on one of the grimiest, most amoral sitcoms in television history. One episode is called Mac Kills His Dad, for instance. But even if you have seen the show, it’s worth rewatching from the beginning, if only for the scene where Danny DeVito crawls out of a sofa naked.
Wild cards: Pls Like (iPlayer – series three released on 24 Jan) | Chewing Gum (Netflix) | Crashing (All 4) | Ramy (Amazon Prime)
Mostly Cs: Call My Agent!
OK, we get it, you’re a smartypants. Your favourite TV show of all time is Mad Men, but a part of you is upset that it was performed in a language you speak. Behold Call My Agent!, a Paris-set comedy-drama about a talent agency in crisis. This isn’t just great TV, it’s great TV brimming with highbrow cinematic and literary references. You want a show where Jean Cocteau is cited for a punchline? This is for you. Better yet, a new series comes to Netflix this week. Get started now and you’ll be all caught up in plenty of time.
Mostly Ds: The World at War
You dislike fiction, and lightness, and fun. Therefore the only option for you is The World at War, ITV’s 26-part 1973 monolithic documentary about the causes and consequences of the second world war, narrated in doomy tones by Laurence Olivier. In all honesty, everyone should watch this landmark series at least once. That said, everything is terrible at the moment and this will probably make it worse. The full series is on UKTV Player right now. Just pick your moment, OK?
Will you be watching our lockdown picks? And which other unexpected TV treats have you discovered of late? Have your say in the comments.